


I Felt You in My Life

by orphan_account



Category: Speed Skating RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-23
Updated: 2010-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-09 02:45:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/82191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JR and Apolo's relationship played out with the help of Tegan and Sara's "Nineteen"</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Felt You in My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LJ's wintergameskink.

  
_I felt you in my legs  
Before I even met you_

JR was 12, laying on his stomach in front of the TV because Chris and David wouldn’t let him on the couch. They were watching the Olympics together, and Apolo Ohno was about to race for the gold. As Apolo started, JR felt his legs tense in sympathetic motion, as if his energy could be transmitted through the screen. Apolo won the gold and he felt a rush, like part of the victory was his. The camera zoomed in on Apolo, fist-pumping with an American flag around his shoulders. With wide eyes he turned back to his brothers. “Do you think I could do that?”

“Do Apolo Ohno? I think he’s out of your league, bro.” Chris and David high-fived at the joke as JR sputtered.

“No you jerks (he would get in trouble is he called them assholes, but he thought it in his head), skate! On ice like that!”

After a couple weeks of begging, his parents gave in and let him try speed skating. It was amazing. He loved rollerblading, loved the feel of the wind and the speed and the adrenaline, but this was like that times a million, the coldness of the air made it more intense, and the absolute smoothness of the ice, combined with the lactic acid burn in his thighs, it made him feel alive. And he was good. Really good.

_And when I laid beside you  
For the first time_

JR was 15 the first time he and Apolo room together. He’s a little starstruck, even though they’ve been skating together for long enough for him to be at ease in the arena and over meals, enough that JR doesn’t feel like an idiot kid, but this is different, Apolo will hear him talk to his Mom on the phone at night, and his brothers always say he snores (he’s pretty sure they made that up, but he doesn’t know for sure) and that would be SO EMBARASSING, and he’s used to jacking off quietly (not that his brothers don’t probably know, but thank God, they don’t say anything because they probably do it too) every night, but he’s torn between wondering if he would be too nervous to get it up with Apolo in the next bed and terrified that he will get hard before bed and when he wakes up in the morning and Apolo will know and he’ll die of shame.

Then they are both laying on Apolo’s bed because it’s the one in front of the TV and some commercial comes on and they both laugh at it, and JR relaxes and feels like it’s going to be okay.

He still lays in bed waiting for Apolo to go to sleep first, and smiles to himself as Apolo begins snoring softly.

_I told you  
I feel you in my heart_

He’s 16 when he ruins everything. He’s probably watched too many movies and listened to too much indie pop, but one day after a run along the coast there is mist everywhere and it feels kind of magical and they are both acting stupid and he makes the speech he’s had planned for a while, about how Apolo may think he’s just a kid but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what love is, and Apolo should know about his feelings. When he imagined it in his head he imagined it like a movie shot, where they are in the center and the camera pans around them like they are the center of the world and their eyes are locked on each others and his voice is heated but earnest, and Apolo would start darting looks at his mouth instead of his eyes and then they would kiss and eat breakfast together in their underwear and live happily ever after. Instead his voice sounds weak against the crash of the shore, and Apolo gets a pained look and scrubs his face with his hand before telling JR that his little declaration did nothing but prove how young he really was, and he’ll do them both a favor and act like it never happened. They drive to JR’s house in silence, and after Apolo drops him off he never mentions it again, even though sometimes when they are alone JR just can’t forget about how stupid he looks and can’t help but blush. Then Apolo looks over with the slightest hint of knowing sympathy in his eyes.

_And I don't even know you_

A year and a half later, when he’s gone on a few dates, Apolo seems to relax around him more, and as they become friends again, he realizes that this is the first time he’s really gotten to know Apolo Anton Ohno, man to man, because before he had this image in his head of who Apolo was and in his fantasies Apolo sometimes wore skinny jeans and hoodies and wanted to go to see Iron and Wine with him, and now he realized Apolo was more wannabe-gangster than wannabe-hipster and would rather step on a rusty nail than be around a lot of kids with studded belts listening to Iron and Wine with their eyes closed. He finds that it’s kind of better this way, they have better discussions than he has with Travis and Jordan who tend to like the same things he likes and listen to the same music and read the same magazines and blogs. He breaks up with the guy he was seeing because he didn’t get why JR spent so much time at the rink and couldn’t go out and have fun more. Apolo stays relaxed and seems glad he’s focusing on skating.

_Now we're saying  
Bye, bye, bye_

Apolo asks him out on his 18th birthday, and when JR is so shocked he doesn’t reply right away, Apolo looks horribly nervous and JR can’t believe this is Apolo FUCKING Ohno standing in front of him looking like if JR doesn’t say yes he’ll sink into the floor. So JR says yes, and it’s a great date. Apolo makes him dinner, apologizing that they aren’t going out, but their diets make it hard to order at restaurants, and then they sit on the couch and watch a movie and Apolo holds his hand, and JR is a little embarrassed at how tame the whole thing is, like, Apolo is 26 and on a date where he’s holding hands like a pre-teen. But the goodnight kiss is anything but tame, and when JR says good bye and walks to his car, he is unable to stop touching his mouth and he’s worried this perfect date was a one time gift that won’t be able to last and that maybe that good bye was the end, but then when he sees Apolo the next day, Apolo flashes him a brilliant smile and asks what he’s doing after practice and he stops worrying that every good bye will be the last one.

_I was nineteen  
(Call me)_

After he wakes up from his horrible leg surgery and has a chance to check his phone, he sees about a million missed calls from Apolo and a text saying that he had talked to JR’s mom, couldn’t get out of his stupid press obligations, was worried sick and it ended with just call me, okay? I need to hear your voice. and JR could hear the relief in his voice. The injury is the worst thing they’ve gone through together, and sometimes they scream at each other when Apolo has had a hard day of skating and JR is jealous that Apolo hurts from the sport they love, and he hurts from trying to balance on one leg. They’ve never had full-on sex, because JR is a virgin and Apolo, whether he will admit it or not, is really worried about being JR’s first, but having to be careful with his leg puts even more of a damper on the sex life they do have, because Apolo is worried that even a hand or blow job might make him jerk the wrong way and set his progress back. But even if the silent breakfasts (JR thinks bitterly about his imagined underwear-breakfasts, because this is not how he imagined them) suck, they would rather bitch each other out than not see each other, and after JR gets back on the ice for the first time, Apolo holds him and kisses his hair while JR sobs with relief.

_I felt you in my life  
Before I ever thought to  
Feel the need to lay down  
Beside you  
And tell you  
I feel you in my heart,  
And I don't even know you  
And now we're saying  
Bye, bye, bye_

After Vancouver Apolo breaks up with him, his face impassive as JR screams at him that his reasoning is so fucking stupid, and if he wants to screw other people, has met someone else, or is just tired of him he should grow a set and say that instead of acting like it’s for JR, who’s going off to college in the fall. JR knows he’s not going to meet anyone else, and he hates the idea that Apolo might, and he knows that the only way Apolo can resist is if he doesn’t talk to or see JR, so JR keeps calling him, but Apolo won’t answer and he only sees him looking tired on talk shows and looking gorgeous in magazines, and he hates himself for loving Apolo for his entire fucking life, he hates that Apolo has been so much a part of him that everything reminds him of Apolo. So he throws himself into all the things Apolo hated, his favorite bands, sitting in coffee shops, going to record stores and buying real vinyl. He starts amassing a great record collection, but it really doesn’t help when he’s laying in bed at night missing Apolo’s warm weight next to him.

_Flew home,  
Back to where we met_

The next time he sees JR is in Salt Lake City where JR is training, and it’s almost painful to see him, like someone is sitting on his chest, and when JR sees him and looks at him—or more accurately looks through him—that someone feels like a contestant on the Biggest Loser, and Apolo isn’t sure if he can help coach the team after all if it means this awful pain. He’s gone on one date and the whole thing was so horrible because it wasn’t with JR and he’s pretty sure he made the right choice, but it might mean he’s lonely forever.

_Stayed inside  
I was so upset_

The guys invite him to hang with him, and he acts like what with being a coach now it wouldn’t be right to be one of the team, but they all instinctively look at JR, who is pointedly not looking at Apolo, and then back to Apolo and he feels like his heart is on his sleeve and they all know that he’s dying over this.

_Cooked up a plan,  
So good except  
I was all alone_

He tries another date, the guy seemed really nice, and so when he invites him over for dinner Apolo says yes, but when he gets there it reminds him so much of his first date with JR that he feels physically sick, and the guy had thoughtfully tried to make Japanese food, but it’s really awful, and so Apolo drinks too much to cover for it, and he never drinks, so it hits him hard and then he’s in bed with the guy, and as he enters this nice guy who has no idea how bad the date has really been or that Apolo will never want to see him again, all he can think is that he needs this to be JR, and leaving him was a horrible mistake. When he collapses on the bed later, he has never felt more alone.

_You were all I had  
Love you_

He isn’t sure JR can forgive him for the past eight months of hell, but he feels like he will never be happy again without him, and if JR feels the same way, then certainly he’ll be willing to trade eight months for the rest of their lives. So he pulls him aside after practice, and the other guys shoot worried looks because everyone seems to make sure they don’t end up alone with one another, and he starts his speech about how wrong he was and how he doesn’t know if JR can forgive him, but he would like to try again and make up for it, and the whole thing sounds so much worse than it did in his head. But then JR cuts him off and tells him he still loves him and confesses that he’s the only thing he’s always had in his life and without Apolo, he just feels like something isn’t just missing from his life, but from himself and Apolo is so relieved all he can do is hold him crushingly close and whisper that he’s sorry.

_You were all mine  
Love me_

Apolo had never wanted to be JR’s first, well, he had wanted it really badly, but he was sure someone else would be better, someone who’d slept with a few more men, someone who had been with a virgin before, but now he desperately wants it, because now he’s determined he’s going to be the only man JR is ever with, and it’s so much better than either of them expected, because Apolo is so thorough, preparing him with hands and lips and tongue, and JR is young enough and horny enough to get it up like three times by the time Apolo actually enters him and they both gasp, and as Apolo thrusts into him he chants ‘mine, mine, mine’ and when they finally are lying together sweaty and spent so that their kisses are haphazard and sloppy, Apolo thinks that maybe they really could be like this forever.

_I was yours right  
I was yours right_

Later, when they’ve worked out their issues and have gotten into a few fights but still are together, and they’re living together and are happy, one of the new, younger skaters is asking the other guys what they think about him and his high school sweetheart, and whether first loves can last, JR says yes, and then leans into Apolo and whispers, “You were mine, and I was yours, right?” and Apolo squeezes his hard thigh and nods. JR smiles back and Apolo jumps in to say being unsure if a first love can last is a dumb reason to break up, and JR kicks him under the table. But they both know that first love is a dumb phrase when there isn’t going to be a second.


End file.
